Jokes, Riddles, and Other Nonsense!
This Page is always under construction! Please check back to see what is
new. If you have a
good one (that is appropriate) please submit it using our handy
feedback form. Items that are deemed to be inappropriate will not be
added to this page!
|
|
New Items
THE RIVALS
Two boys who are always competing against each other and are bitter rivals grow up and go their separate ways. One becomes a general in the Air Corps and one becomes a bishop. One day they happen to meet on the railway platform. The bishop decides to try to get a rise out of the other, so he goes up to the general and says, "Say, porter, would you please take my bags into the station and put them at the front desk?" The general looks at the bishop and replies, "I'd be happy to, madame. And may I say that a woman in your condition really shouldn't be traveling!"
Kids' Jokes
Q: What kind of a TV does a zebra watch?
A: Black and white!
Q: What do you call a cow with short legs?
A: Ground beef!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide!
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence!
Q: Why can't you believe what a balloon says?
A: Because it's full of hot air!
Q: What is gray and has four legs and a trunk?
A: A mouse on a vacation!
Q: What do Winnie The Pooh, Smokey The Bear, and John The Baptist Have in common?
A: The middle name "The"!
Knock knock! Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Why are you crying?
Knock knock! Who's there?
Who!
Who who?
Did somebody let an owl in?
If a 'fortification' is a large fort, is a 'ratification' a large rat?
Our Beloved Children
The Battle of the Sexes
SEMINARS FOR MEN
In order to promote gender equality in our building, the female staff will be offering the following courses to all
male staff members, regardless of marital status. Enrollment in at least ten
of the following seminars is mandatory for all men wishing to remain employed here.
1. How To Combat Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. PMS - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. Why A Vacuum Cleaner Is NOT An Appropriate Christmas Gift
6. Underestimating The Female Response To Your Coming In Drunk At 3 AM
7. Laundry Techniques 101: Don't Wash My Silks
8. Laundry Techniques 102: Discovering The Clothes Hamper
9. Parenting - No It Doesn't End With Conception
10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook
11. How To Not Act Like A Jerk When I Think You're Obviously Wrong
12. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
13, You - The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
19. Bathroom Etiquette - Putting Down The Toilet Seat
20. The Weekend and Sports are NOT Synonymous
21. How To Shop With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
22. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
23. Helpful Posture - Hints For Couch Potatoes
24. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
25. How NOT To Act Younger Than Your Children
26. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
27. Reading Directions - A Shortcut To Doing It Right The First Time
28. Bodily Noises - It's Not a Contest
29. The Attainable Goal - Eliminating "~@1$%&~#" From Your Vocabulary
30. Why You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially In Your Underwear
31. The Male Ego - Gods Little Joke
32. Fluffing the Blankets After Breaking Wind-It's Really Not Necessary
If anyone would like to submit items for "SEMINARS FOR WOMEN", we'll be glad to give equal time!
THE WIZARD
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife".
QUOTES OF THE DAY
Women's Quote of the Day: "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind. Then they turn full-bodied with age until and go sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
Funnies About Religion
THE MINISTER'S SON
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with
you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've
studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The
young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
THE ORIGINAL TEXT
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee
headed by Peter. After a whirlwind tour of heaven, he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the
languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working
back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope distraught in his chair, crying to
himself, and muttering, "The 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and
asks him what the problem is and why he is so upset. After collecting himself, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'.
They left out the letter 'R'! The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
THE ARCHEOLOGIST'S FIND
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came
upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.
How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
SATAN GOES TO CHURCH
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the
services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in
a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you
afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
IN BIG TROUBLE
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two boys were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.
The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior and the mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said okay, so the next day they called the clergyman and told him about the two boys. The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.
On the appointed day the 8-year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman shook his finger in the boy's face and screamed, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room with his brother close behind. When he got home he ran directly to his room and hid in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
THE RABBI AND THE PRIEST
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. Well, I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left of them, but we are unharmed. This must be a sign from God. God must have wanted for us to meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No thank you. I think I'll wait for the police."
Humorous (?) Philosophy
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
3. Your back goes out more than you do.
4. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
5. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
6. You are proud of your lawn mower.
7. Your best friend is dating someone half their age - and isn't breaking any
laws.
8. You call Olan Mills before they call you.
9. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
10. You sing along with the elevator music.
11. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
12. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
13. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
14. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
15. You make an appointment to see the dentist.
16. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
17. Neighbors borrow your tools.
18. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
19. You have a dream about prunes.
20. You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
21. You send money to PBS.
22. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
23. You take a metal detector to the beach.
24. You wear black socks with sandals.
25. You know what the word "equity" means.
26. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
27. Your ears are hairier than your head. 28. You talk about "good
grass" and you're referring to someone's
lawn.
29. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
30. You got cable for the weather channel.
31. You can go bowling without drinking.
32. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Computer Related
WHAT GENDER IS A COMPUTER?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
IF MICROSOFT WERE LOCATED IN GEORGIA!
1. Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
5. Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
12. Daisy Duke screen saver.
13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver.
19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me".
NEW VIRUS WARNING
If you see a message on the boards with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any eggs that are close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and the milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy / girlfriend your new phone number. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother's number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave it's dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear 1940's hits and static while stuck in traffic.
" Badtimes" will make you fall in love with someone who is like your Ex. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy / girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
"Badtimes" will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of "Badtimes". Iit reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It will rewrite your back-up files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences.
"Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid!
Animal Jokes
HELP WANTED
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."
Gettin' Old
CARJACKING FOILED!
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required. She ordered the men out of the car. The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad. The lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem. Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four spaces further down the row of cars. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to looked her over and paused. Then he pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 frightened men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman with a gun!
College Bound
UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
____________________University
To: Professor_________________________ From:_________________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
___1. The persons who copied my paper got a higher grade than I did.
___2. The person whose paper I copied got a higher grade than I did.
___3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into: ___
Law School ___ Medical School ___
Graduate School ___
Dental School ___ My Fraternity/Sorority ___ The Mickey Mouse Club ___ Tri
County
Tech
___4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______________________.
___5. I'll lose my scholarship.
___6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
___7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
___8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
___9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against: ___ Males ___ Jews ___ Blacks ___ Females
___ Catholics ___ Whites ___
Protestants ___
Moslems ___ Minorities ___ Chicanos ___ People ___ Students ___ Other
_____________
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following
illness: ___ mono ___ flu ___ broken baby finger ___
acute alcoholism ___
turet's syndrome ___ hang nail ___ other ___________________
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were: ___ too detailed to pick out important points ___
not explained in sufficient detail ___ too boring
___ all jokes and
not enough material ___ all of the above
__17. This course was: ___ too early, I was not awake ___ at lunchtime, I was hungry ___ too late, I was tired
__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
__19. Other___________________________________________________
A LETTER FROM COLLEGE
Dear Mom and Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Mom and Dad
Our Culture
COUNTDOWN OF THE WORLD'S 15 THINNEST BOOKS
15. My Plan to Find the Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson
14. Things I Would Not Do for Money - by Dennis Rodman
13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore
12. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
11. America's Most Popular Lawyers
10. Detroit - a Travel Guide
9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
8. Everything Men Know about Women
7. Everything Women Know about Men
6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
5. To All the Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen Degeneres
4. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
3. Spotted Owl Recipes - by the EPA
2. The Amish Phone Directory
And the World's Number One Shortest Book...
1. The Book of Ethics - by William Jefferson Clinton
Uncategorized
THE KISS
A young soldier and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit accept for two seats right across the aisle from young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four set there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young soldier was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young soldier sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"
A Little Sense Of Humor Is Better Than No Sense Of Humor!
